i am lonely

This morning I waffled for three hours about attending a really fun-sounding day trip with a group of people I don't really know but who seem really cool and hip and best friends with each other. Ultimately didn't go; too nerve-wracking to be that much of an outsider, I guess, seeing as I often feel like an outsider among people I do know. Had a nice bike ride on my own, though haven't spoken more than 30 words to another person today otherwise. This is a lonely life I'm leading. I have vague plans to make my way out of it, but maybe I'm actually just waiting on myself to decide to make real plans. Do I really have to hit rock bottom here, or is the view of rock bottom from where I'm at enough?

I just found out that someone else I sort of know, and who I think would have been nice to me, also went on the trip. Damn. Now I regret not going. I should go to these things, really, even if I don't know people. Because then I will know people, and the world will be smaller, and I will be less lonely, even if the hazard is sometimes going to these things and feeling more lonely for the moment. Muscles must endure micro-tears so that they may reset and grow. Acute emotional trauma might actually be the path to social satisfaction.

For what remains of this month of April, I am going to go to everything to which someone invites me. Let's see how this goes. Bear witness, unknown four readers of my blog!