Project: Happiness

I think I might have returned some time ago, without fanfare, to long-term depression, or maybe anhedonia, or at least complete neurotic hypochondria (but the point is that there is pathology at work). I've been really reluctant to seek treatment, and I'm still reluctant. I don't really think there's a reason for me to be unhappy right now except that I'm not doing things in my life that make me happy. So! I am going to make a list here of things that make me happy, and then I am going to try to do them more often, and find ways of institutionalizing them in my habits.

1. bike rides. I need to invest in my bike. New helmet, reflectors, lights, tune-up. Need to adjust the seat, too. These are tiny things that I never do but which would make me more prone to take my bike out.
2. cooking for other people. The catch is that I want to spend more time outside my apartment. So maybe I can invite myself over to other people's houses to cook for them, like on weeknights, with whatever they've got available.
3. board games. I need to find people who want to play board games with me occasionally.
4. group memberships. I want to join more groups. I just signed up for a short improv class. Maybe there is a food-like group I can join. Maybe there is some sort of collaborative art project or class I can join, too.
5. exercise. I want to take a swim class. I want to go to the gym more.
6. movies. I want to see movies in the theater. Not all that often, but sometimes. And I want to go with friends.

These are really mundane! But I'm not doing much of any of them right now, which means I'm not doing much of anything. So starting here is important. But also, these are all pursuits separate of two primaries: meaningful occupation that I love doing, and people to do things with whom I love being around (and who live nearby, and who are okay with me needing them). But I don't think I have much of a fix on either of those right now, so the list is where I'll start.

metro malevolence

This morning on the C train the dude next to me turned toward me and exhaled a long, foul and stale breath in my direction before exploding into coughs ONTO MY FACE. I turned away too late, and reluctant to give up my seat or react in an alarmist way, I stayed put and just seethed at his disregard for other people. Seething proceeded for ten more minutes, until he leaned over and squeezed out a long, sonorous and potent fart. Realizing this was not just an inconsiderate person but an ill-meaning one, I got up and quickly moved to standing near the doors. Now scowling, I looked over to find said person smirking at me, apparently proud of himself and his victory over me.

When I got to the office, I washed my face and downed a packet of Emergen-C. Even if I do catch whatever he shared with me, the worst part will be how he infected my sense of goodwill toward others.